Is There Something you Will Not Do?

Usually, when I think of an idol or idolatry, I picture some kind of statue from the Old Testament or even some good things in my life that I try to seek fulfillment from instead of God.  But recently, during one of my times with the Lord, he used a question to probe my heart and reveal a subtle, yet deeply imbedded “idol” that I often overlook.  “Is there something you will not do?” was the question he asked.  As I reviewed my life one constant theme or pattern arose: fear of rejection and ridicule.  I would often make decisions or choose NOT to do something based on this fear.  After becoming a follower of Christ, I experienced growth in this area and even saw many clear examples of God’s hand helping me make decisions based on faith rather than fear.  The fact that I’m on the mission field is just one small example of God’s faithfulness in the midst of my fears—his loving, gentle guidance bringing me to a place I wouldn’t have chosen to go to on my own.  BUT, in all honesty, there were many, many other examples where I clearly said no to God in response to the grip of this fear—there were times when I wasn’t free to obey him because of it.

Recently, God brought to mind an incident from my childhood that I believe contributed largely to the formation of this fear.  I immigrated to the States when I was 8, and less than a year later, during the fourth grade, I experienced something awful.  During the first day of school, my new teacher, Mrs. McNiece, unaware of my status as a new immigrant with an English vocabulary of a 2-year old, doled out some instructions to the class.  We went up in groups to the front (probably to introduce ourselves) and when it was time for me to speak I froze, uncertain of what I should do.  After some silent, awkward moments with all eyes fixed on me, she impatiently lashed out, injecting what felt to me like deep terror, crushing my already fragile confidence.  I felt helpless and idiotic, small and worthless.  I don’t remember what happened next, but I’m guessing one of my classmates from the previous year came to my rescue and explained my situation to our new teacher.

By bringing up this memory, God helped me see that, not only did I allow deep fear to grow in my heart, I also made an unconscious resolution to do everything I could to never experience the excruciating sting of humiliation and rejection again.  I never wanted to be found in so vulnerable and helpless a position where I could be exposed and belittled.  A smile to cover my insecurity, a thin façade of strength and competence, and avoidance of potential failure were all in my bag of tricks.  In effect, I had come up with a self-made defense mechanism against any future hurt by minimizing the chance of rejection by others. Even after coming to Christ, I didn’t realize that I often trusted more in this protective mechanism than I did in him.  God uncovered this subtle form of idolatry in my heart and helped me see that I don’t always trust him as much as I say I do.  At the same time he reminded me of the rejection, isolation, humiliation, and hatred that Jesus faced, even to the point of death.  He was willing to endure all the pain of complete degradation and debasement because he loved me so much.  He understands my fears and my pain, and asks me to give up my own ways of dealing with them.  He calls me to trust him and find complete acceptance in him instead of trying to find it in other people’s perception of me.

So, I share all this as a means to beseech your prayers.  As a person still in process I still have so many weaknesses and I certainly need others’ help in seeing Jesus more clearly.  I also share this to encourage you in your own journey.  Are there things you refuse to do because you trust in something else more than Jesus?  Do you have any “idols” or self-made means of protection that prevent you from saying yes to God and experiencing more of his security and love?

Lord, please help us trust you more each day.  Please reveal the hidden things in our hearts and free us from our fears.  We want to rest in you and experience the fullness of your grace.  How can we ask others to trust you when we don’t completely trust you ourselves?  Please change our hearts, Lord, so that others may see Jesus’ life in us.

Andrew is our missionary working in Asia